Sex is a Risky, Life-Changing Experience
Sex is a Serious Subject
It’s important to talk with preteens and teens about making smart choices about sexually activity. Just scaring them with facts and statistics is not enough to result in good decisions. So, a good approach is to talk directly to them about the important considerations relating to sex. These discussions can take a number of directions:
- Talk about their goals for the future – what do they think they want at this point in life: college, sports, a career, a family? How will they achieve these goals? Could sex get in the way of achieving them?
- Ask them: Are you ready for sex? What are some good and bad consequences?
- Discuss HIV/AIDS and STIs. Kids get some of this information in school health classes, but you want to know how much of it your child has retained.
- Do you know where to find information about reproductive health services? Prevention of pregnancy and STIs? Where would you go if you had questions about these?
Communication: Barriers and Solutions
Do you remember what a turnoff it was when you were a teenager and an adult started a sentence with, “When I was your age…?” Well, that hasn’t changed! Yes, youth can be interested in how you handled your own decisions and dilemmas as a teen, but not when they sense a lecture coming on.
Experts have compiled a list of common phrases that work – and don’t work – for keeping conversations open and honest with adolescents. Your goal is to encourage them to be part of the conversation – not to shut them down by drowning out their opinions, questions and ideas. This list is adapted from Advocates for Youth.
| Door Slammers shut down the conversation | Door Openers encourage and improve the conversation |
|---|---|
| You’re too young to understand. | How do you feel about… |
| If you say that again, I’ll… | What have you heard about… |
| Mind your own business! | What do you think about… |
| I don’t care what your friends think… | This is why I feel that way. |
| Because I said so! | That’s a great question. |
| Can’t you see I’m busy? (Can’t this wait?) | I’m not sure, but I’ll find out. |
| Why are you asking me that? | I don’t know, but let’s find out. |
| Not while you live under MY roof! | I’m glad you asked me. |
Positive Messages
We’ve discussed setting good examples in your own life and relationships, respecting your child’s increasing need for privacy, and answering his or her questions honestly and accurately.
Remember that there really are lessons from your own adolescent years that you can turn into good advice for your own kids. Don’t make your time as a teen seem silly or hopelessly out-of-touch compared to what they’re going through today – because in fact, teens in every generation have the same needs, curiosity, concerns and fears. Since you’ve already gone through it and have some perspective, this puts you in a unique position to understand and help your child.
It’s also important to not be negative about sex in general. It’s okay to tell kids that sex and intimacy are normal, healthy parts of an adult relationship. However, make it clear that sex has serious emotional consequences as well as physical – it can change everything in a relationship, so it’s important to be mature enough to handle these consequences.
Let your child know that you value education, and want to see that they get accurate information. For more information about talking to your teen, try these web sites:
