Saying No To Sex

Sex is something you should discuss with your partner before things get too hot and heavy. Trying to backtrack when you’re already in a lip-lock doesn’t work nearly as well as talking about your feelings when you’re both calm and cool.

Decisions under pressure are much tougher decisions to make and follow through on. But if you do feel you’re being pressured, here are some tips.

1. Take a deep breath and say these words, "No, I don't want to have sex."
2. If the question arises while you are kissing or fooling around, stop what you are doing and change the tone of the moment. Stop kissing and fooling around. Emphasize your actions with words. Say something like: “I don’t want to have sex.”
3. Be prepared for questions and/or objections. Stay true to yourself and your stated feelings.
4. Calmly explain why you choose abstinence. List all of your reasons like: “I don’t think it is moral to have sex before marriage," or “my education and career are too important to let sex mess them up," or “I don’t feel comfortable having sex this early in our relationship," or “I don’t want to have sex until we use birth control and get tested for STIs," or “I’m scared and am just not ready now.”
5. If you have had sex before don't let the other person use this to bully you into it now. Just because you have done it before doesn't mean you have to do it every time you are asked.
6. Tell the other person how you feel about them and be honest. If you don't feel close enough to them yet, say so. If you really love them but aren't interested in sex, say so.
7. Tell the other person the depth of your commitment to abstinence. If you don't plan on having sex until you are married, say so. If you are curious but not ready, say so.
8. There is no reason for you to down play how you feel about sex or sex with this specific person. At times like this honesty is an absolute must.
9. If the other person keeps on pressing, say "No!" again. You may have to say this more than once to make them see you are serious.
10. Do not try to diffuse the tension with lots of kissing and/or other physical gestures, this will confuse your message of "No!"
11. Draw the line firmly and if the other person doesn't appear to be getting it, leave.
12. If the other person starts trying to coerce you or force you to have sex YELL "No!" and physically push them away. Leave and talk about it the next day.
13. If the other person pulls the old, "If you loved me you'd do it" line, tell them "If you loved me you'd wait." Sex is not a test of your love or feelings for another person and saying "No!" to sex does not mean you have failed to show your love.
14. If you feel uncertain of your ability to stay true to your initial "No!", leave. Your first instinct was to say no and now is not the time to second guess yourself.
15. Saying no now does not mean you are saying no forever.
16. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings. If the person you’re with really cares about you, they will respect your wishes. And never, EVER feel obligated to “pay someone back” with sex in return for an expensive date or gift. YOU can’t be “bought!”

Tips:

1. Abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control and the only way you can guarantee you won't catch an STI.
2. If you aren't a virgin you can still choose abstinence with pride, it is okay to say yes one time and no another, even if it is to the same person.
3. Having sex is a big deal and abstaining from sex is more than acceptable. Despite what rumors and gossip may suggest, the majority of students in most high schools are abstinent.
4. If you kiss somebody passionately or get into heavy fooling around this does not mean that you have to go all the way and it doesn’t make you a tease.
5. Intimacy takes many forms, intercourse is not the only or best way to show somebody the depth of your feelings. Hugging, kissing, and sharing feelings and emotions are equally rewarding ways to show intimacy. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

(The above material is advice from About.com’s Jessica Stevenson. The material was edited for content and adapted for this website.)